5 Ways to Trust Yourself

Photo by Quinn Corte. My fridge, 2020.

Do you trust yourself?

Or do you consistently doubt, critique, or dismiss your desires and instincts?

Maybe things are so chaotic right now that you can't untangle your inner wisdom from the voice of your inner critic, your nosy neighbor, or your family?

I believe 2020 is asking us--once and for all--to release the voices and beliefs we have outgrown so we can finally learn to trust ourselves.

I believe that learning to trust yourself can change everything. It is the bedrock of everything we offer at The Retreat Space.

Because of its importance, I want to share a few ways to practice self trust.

1. Remember: You know best.

As you embark on your healing journey (i.e. life), try to keep returning to the idea of “I know best.” Make it your inner compass. Repeat it to yourself in the mirror if you have to.

You always know best. You know your body best, you know what you need, and you are the gatekeeper of your own thoughts, energy, and body. You are in charge of the direction your life takes.

You are also the only person who gets to say how you are feeling. When anyone tells you how you are feeling or how you should be feeling, that is usually a boundary violation (even if it’s well-intentioned).

Just as you know yourself best, remember that your loved ones know themselves best. Practice resisting the urge to control or change them (this one is so hard for me). Try to only offer advice when it’s asked of you. Instead, offer support and ask what they need. As my very wise friend Paula says, “Your concern and worry doesn’t feel good. Trusting me does.”

2. Practice listening to yourself.

Listen critically to your own body’s reactions. For example, if you someone offers you advice and you feel clenching or burning or tightness in your body, that advice might not be good for you. As you learn to cultivate your intuition, intuitive tarot teacher Lindsay Mack talks about paying attention to how “yes!” feels in your body and how “NO” feels. She also talks about the difference between fear and intuition (hint: fear is loud and shaming; intuition is subtle and compassionate).

Life coach and author Martha Beck encourages us to listen to our bodies’ reactions so we only absorb nourishment and not poison. She says, “With attention and practice you can learn to ‘spit out’ poisonous thoughts, keeping thoughts that make you feel free, healthy, and nourished. Stop absorbing toxic food and your body gets healthier. Stop believing toxic thoughts, and everything gets healthier.”

One of my favorite ways to cultivate my inner knowing is to be quiet every morning. I set my timer for 7 minutes or 20 minutes, close my eyes, and—without using any special techniques—I just sit with myself. I tune into my own signal before I look at my phone.

3. Honor your pain.

As you navigate the world of self-help and healing, be critical of messages and teachers that push you to feel good or “come into the light” without honoring your pain. Dismissing or demonizing more challenging emotions like sadness, fear, anger, and anxiety can be extremely harmful. The truth is that we need the full spectrum of human emotions. They serve a purpose.

Constantly fighting the perfectly normal human experience of pain puts us perpetually at war with ourselves. When we allow challenging feelings to surface and move through us like waves, we can heal. We learn to fully accept ourselves as the messy, imperfectly perfect humans we are.

That being said, sometimes life gets too hard. Suffering is real and nothing to be ashamed of. If we ever feel alone, have suicidal thoughts, or get stuck too long in the darkness, it’s critical to reach out for help and support (suicide hotline; find a therapist; phone a friend).

4. Be discerning.

No matter how powerful or popular an influencer is—or how much you admire or trust a friend or therapist—it’s always OK to say “no thank you” to something they tell you.

As an example, this has been coming up for me a lot in anti-racism forums on social media. As a white woman waking up to my own ingrained white supremacy, I am listening and learning from a lot of popular anti-racist educators. Over the last few weeks, I realized I had stopped listening to my body and inner wisdom when I went into these spaces. I was fully absorbing everything I heard, without filtering it through my own knowing of what is true for me.

In my opinion, there is an important distinction between leaders who shame people (not OK) and those who inquire around people taking personal responsibility (necessary). This podcast by a Black trauma-informed social worker, April Dawn Harter, helped me realize I had temporarily abandoned my inner knowing and self care in my urgency to become a better ally. She frames racism in the context of collective trauma; as something to be actively healed together.

Everyone is different. There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to being an activist, or a person. At this time, it’s critical that we white allies be open-minded and actively broaden our perspectives. At the same time, we can remember to trust our inner knowing above all else. We can hear someone out and still decide to take it or leave it.

5. Choose healers wisely.

You are the supreme authority when it comes your healing process. No one else knows your inner landscape: the traumas you have experienced, your body’s history, what you have been through, your deepest fears, what calms you, and what triggers you. You set your own pace. You know when you need rest or a nudge forward.

That being said, working with a healer who is attuned to your needs can provide major growth.

When working one-on-one with a healer or teacher, it’s really important to feel safe. During your first session, ask questions and share some of your concerns. Come in with an open mind, and a clear idea of your boundaries. Does the healer seem sensitive to your needs and past trauma? Has there been a conversation about consent and what to expect? Does s/he support you in finding your own answers and pointing you back to your own healing?

When joining a group online or taking a class, look out for leaders who put themselves on a pedestal. Language like “I will teach you everything you need to be happy” or “you need me” is false and toxic.

Here at The Retreat Space, our facilitators will always point you back to your own wisdom. We are here to provide tools and support, and will never ever tell you who you are, what you should feel, or what you need.

Everything you need is already inside you. It’s just way more fun to discover it together.

~

What helps you trust yourself? When is it hardest for you to trust yourself? We’d love to hear. Let us know in the comments below.