9 Strategies for Recovering Perfectionists, People-Pleasers, and Overachievers
Photo by Quinn Corte, 2021.
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If you're a recovering perfectionist, people-pleaser, or overachiever, here’s what you need to know.
You have incredible super powers. If you needed to issue a decree to all of humanity, it would be museum-level flawless. If you were in a hostage situation, you’d probably be great at reading the room and appealing to the lunatic. If you had one shot to apply for a free trip around the world, your application would knock everyone’s socks off. When the situation calls for it, you know how to be extraordinary.
But you don’t need to employ these super powers all the time. They are for special occasions only. Otherwise, you wear yourself out trying to live up to your potential and be everything to everyone.
Overwhelm is inevitable, but we can also work on making internal shifts so overwhelm becomes rarer and more manageable.
Here are a few strategies I’ve developed over the years to calm the perfectionist, overachieving, people-pleasing beast inside me that says I’m never enough.
Imagine a fuel gauge.
With each task, visualize how much fuel you’re burning. Is the needle in the red zone as you perform a non-urgent, non-critical task? Practice letting your foot off the gas until your energy output is more appropriate for the task at hand.
Pause before saying yes.
Even if something feels like a “yes” at first, take time to digest the invitation. Check in with your capacity. Check in with your motivations—are you saying “yes” so you don’t let someone down?
Pause before offering something.
Are you being overly helpful? Ask yourself the motivation behind volunteering—are you trying to live up to an ideal, get someone to like you, or would it actually feel aligned to help in this way? What would be the long-term impact on your body and psyche?
Stop being a super hero.
If you tend to always go above and beyond, check in periodically and ask, “Am I going above and beyond right now? Do I need to?" Practice just showing up, rather than being amazing. Hold yourself in the discomfort.
Don’t let yourself obsess.
Practice sending things once they’re “good enough,” rather than spending the extra time and fuel to rehash those things until they’re flawless. Let things go earlier in the process than you usually would. Reserve your perfectionist super power for those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.
Shift your inner compass.
Get a tiny notebook and write down 5 things to celebrate each night. Instead of celebrating your accomplishments, write down inner shifts. For example, “I’m celebrating that I said no to helping my sister, even though it felt horrible at first” or “I’m celebrating that I didn’t agonize or prepare before that meeting and it went totally fine.” Over time, you’ll measure success by how well you cared for yourself instead of how you performed.
Practice detaching your identity from your work.
Imagine that your body and soul are protected by a barrier. All the chaos going on out there each day can’t touch the core of who you are inside that protection. Your work is a service you perform. Who you are is untouched by what you do and what others think.
Focus on abundance.
Practice gratitude when your thoughts spiral into “not enough.” Name 7 things you feel lucky to have enough of…and why.
Lower your standards.
Instead of giving 110% with everything you do, start giving 80%. If you’re an overachiever, your 80% is still stellar. Then, practice being mediocre. If you were being graded on how you load the dishwasher, challenge yourself to get a C- instead of an A+. Work your way down from there.
"Trying to live up to everyone's expectations is like trying to cup the ocean in your hands."
– Natalie Lue
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