Overwhelm and the Curse of "Having Potential"
Warning. Photo by Quinn Corte, Asheville, 2018.
Listen to the audio version below:
I’m overwhelmed.
I’m in the early days of a big new contract job that’s stretching me, testing me, and challenging me. If you’ve been reading for awhile, you know I have a history of overachieving and burnout. And you might also remember that I’ve done a huge amount of work to heal the parts of me that feel like they have to perform in order to be worthy.
So I’m sitting here feeling frustrated about being overwhelmed. I’m tending my inner younger self who is scared that overwhelm will lead to collapse—because it’s happened before—even though I’m nowhere near that crisis point. I’m spending a lot of time showing my nervous system that it’s safe. Reminding myself that I have the tools to handle overwhelm now.
I’m also asking how I got here. Why am I overwhelmed (again)? The answer has been surprising.
No, this isn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t bring this situation on myself. I didn’t take on too much or make a bad decision.
No, this isn’t a personal failing. It’s not that if I did more this or less that I wouldn’t be overwhelmed right now. It’s not that I’m out of my league with this job or not capable enough.
I’m overwhelmed for three reasons.
Because I’m having a normal human response to a job that’s new, has more tasks to do than there are hours in the day, and is a huge amount of pressure.
Because I'm an ambitious person who decided to take on a challenging job. Taking on a new challenge unfortunately comes with some challenge.
Because I’m still…after all these years…striving to live up to my “potential.”
It’s this last reason that I’m grappling with right now.
The honest truth is that part of me is still trying to prove herself every damn day. Part of me still thinks that the more I take on, the harder I work, and the brighter I shine, the closer I will get to finally being “enough.” And once I finally reach that magical place of “enough,” maybe then I can rest.
I hate admitting that this toxic message is still in me.
But of course it is! We’re all surrounded by the message that we aren’t enough. I was in a culture as a teenager that demanded that I was well-rounded and amazing at everything from flirting to taking tests to being an athlete. I grew up in the 80s where I was labeled as “gifted and talented,” with the constant pressure that I needed to live up to my potential.
What does it even mean to live up to our potential?
I was trying to unpack this with some friends, and my friend Cassie declared “potential” as a curse we put on young people. “‘You have so much potential’ actually means you’re not living up to your potential,” she said.
By its very definition, potential is a possible future; it’s an indicator of something we haven’t attained yet. Like success, potential is a moving goal post.
As much as I hate to admit it, this curse still drives me sometimes. It makes me go above and beyond when I’m tired. It makes me be overly helpful when I don’t have the capacity to help. It makes me raise my hand and volunteer. It makes me think that when I’m not good at something, I need to get better at it so I can be good at everything. It makes me impatient with myself. It makes me think showing up isn’t enough; that I have to be the best.
“Potential” is a space of perpetual striving. Of never enough.
My partner said the other day, “you know you’ve already proved yourself, right?” The question made me really think. Do I know that I’ve already proved myself? What am I trying to prove right now? Where is the line between taking on a challenge because I want to grow, and taking on a challenge because I want to prove I’m a worthy human being?
And most importantly, when do I get to rest? How can I really let it soak in that I’ve done enough, that I am enough, and that I don’t have anything to live up to? My job on earth is to simply live.
My friend Cassie put it beautifully. “What if living up to your potential actually meant being well-rested, well-nourished, and lying on the earth with your lover?”
What if?
So here I am, overwhelmed and in the messy middle of these beautiful questions.
I'm realizing that 90% of the pressure is coming from within--a product of both cultural conditioning and my own ambitious nature.
Instead of being mad at the overwhelm, I’m starting to realize overwhelm will always come and go. I live life too fully to never get overwhelmed. Eliminating overwhelm isn’t the goal here.
Instead, I can try to learn from my overwhelm.
Sometimes overwhelm is an indicator of striving toward some mythical ideal of perfection. And sometimes overwhelm is simply a natural response to a beautiful new challenge. Other times, it’s both.
Overwhelm isn’t an indication that we aren’t enough. Overwhelm is a reminder that we’re already enough.
Your turn:
In what ways are you still trying to prove yourself?
In what ways do you feel like you haven’t lived up to your full potential?
Why are you overwhelmed, according to your inner critic? Why are you overwhelmed, according to your deepest inner wisdom?
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