Overcommitting: Taking on More Than You Can Handle
So much to give, so little time. Photo by Quinn Corte; seed hearts by Beth Shepard, 2019.
Spring brings a surge of fresh energy.
As the sun shines today, I’m feeling ready-set-go vibes. I have that familiar feeling of wanting to take on the world. But instead of a jumpstart, I want to set a pace for the year that feels sustainable. I want to focus on what matters, instead of overcommitting myself.
Committing is choosing to show up consistently for what matters.
Overcommitting is setting unrealistic expectations about what we can consistently show up for.
Way too often, we overcommit. We expect ourselves to do everything well, all at once. Or we say “yes” with enthusiasm on a great day, only to get overwhelmed or disappointed when we can’t meet those expectations on a normal day. It’s incredibly common to take on more than we can handle.
When we can’t meet our own expectations or the expectations of others, we feel perpetually unworthy, failing, or not enough. (Even though it's never true.)
We need to stop overcommitting. This pattern spreads us too thin, making us less generous, less effective, and less well. It crams our calendars and hearts with so much clutter that we have no blank space left for recovery, intuition, or magic. Most importantly, overextending ourselves upholds an oppressive and violent grind culture. It's our civic duty and our divine right to do less.
So, why do we overcommit?
Pressure: Because society tells us success is “having it all”; juggling a thousand things with ease and grace while still “being present” and looking flawless.
Ambition: Because we’re enthusiastic, inspired, ambitious, curious, and extremely mortal. We want to make and experience everything now, before it’s too late.
Rewards: Because it feels so good to be needed, to be the hero, to receive someone’s love and admiration because we’ve committed to something important to them.
Avoidance: Because it’s uncomfortable to say no.
Disconnection: Because we aren’t being realistic about our capacity. We commit to what we think we should be able to take on or what other people take on, instead of what our current bodies and circumstances are actually capable of.
Love: Because we love deeply. We want to take care of our people and our world, and there are infinite ways to support others and make the world a better place.
Aspiration: Because we aspire to be someone who commits to that thing, but we aren’t actually willing to put in the work/vulnerability/time it takes to do that thing.
Unpreparedness: Because we don’t factor in the invisible labor and personal needs that come with a commitment. We forget or ignore the time, emotions, conversations, money, courage, energy, or sacrifices that a commitment requires.
My tendency to say “yes” used to mostly come from people-pleasing. I wouldn’t follow my intuition about what I actually wanted or what my limits were. I pushed through and did all the things I thought I should. This performative overcommitting often stems from a desire to be perfect or live up to one’s potential, from an underlying feeling of being not-enough, or from an ingrained sense of obligation.
Here are some things that help me stop making performative overcommitments:
I get quiet and ask if fear or desire is behind my “yes.”
I ask, “Am I saying ‘yes’ because I think I should or I have to? Is that actually true?”
I ask, “If no one was watching, would I say ‘yes’ to this?”
I visualize myself a few weeks into the commitment. How will I feel then?
I listen to cues from my body. Does the idea of showing up for this regularly make me feel warm or cold? Big or small?
These days, I notice that my tendency to say “yes” mostly comes from excitement. I genuinely wish I could do many things at once, and my track record says I’m capable of juggling a lot (but at what cost?). So when I’m excited, I tend to be a little impulsive. My instinct is to take on more than I can handle at once.
Here are some things that help me stop making excited overcommitments:
When I want to say "yes," I pause before saying it out loud. I let a little time pass to get more information and see if my enthusiasm grows or fades.
I talk it through with someone trusted. Their reaction can be a helpful reality check.
I check in about my capacity. What will it take to show up for this, and can I do that sustainably right now?
I check in about my current #1 priority in life. What matters most? Does this leave enough space for that?
Ultimately, I decide: Is this a “someday” yes, an “I wish I could” yes or a “right now” yes?
Over time, chronic overcommitters may get so traumatized that we curl into the fetal position and stop committing to anything at all. After years of saying “yes” and getting burned, we get really good at saying “no” in order to protect ourselves. We swing the pendulum in the other direction and become undercommitters, staying in our comfy comfort zones. When you aren’t committed, you don’t risk disappointment or overwhelm. It can feel really safe to be an undercommitter.
Here are some things that help me with fearful undercommitting:
I check in about which part of me wants to say “no.” Is it a fearful younger part of me that just needs reassurance that I will be safe?
As Liz Gilbert advises, I tell fear it can come along for the ride, but it isn’t allowed to drive.
There might be a gray area between “yes” and “no.” Could I dip a toe in, rather than diving in the deep end? How could I change the terms to make it less scary?
I consider my exit strategy. Can I give myself an easier way out if I change my mind later? Can I soften the level of this commitment?
If I want to say “yes,” I make a plan for how I’m going to support myself through this commitment, so I don’t feel alone or under-resourced.
After a particularly stagnant and frustrating winter, you might want to leap first into what’s next. But I invite you to take it slow. Many of us are still tender from shedding old skins. Even though we’re excited to act after a long wait time, it’s important to stay grounded and move forward with intention.
This spring, let’s practice committing in alignment with our capacity, limits, and priorities.
Let’s commit responsibly.
~
Your turn:
For a guided exercise to evaluate your own commitments, check out my new offering Spring Cleaning: A Guided Exercise to Find Focus & Resist Overcommitting. By the end of the exercise, you'll have fresh new insights--plus a practical list of what you want to commit to now and what can wait.
Spring is a great time to do this audio practice, but you can do it any time you’re feeling over-extended or need clarity.