You Are Exactly Where You Need To Be

Janus, the Roman god of beginnings and endings. Image: Classical Numismatic Group, Inc.

A friend recently shared with me the origin of “January.”

The month of January is named after Janus, the Roman god of beginnings and endings. Janus was the gatekeeper of the heavens. He has two heads--one to look into the past and one to look ahead to the future. The image of these two heads is a powerful representation of our divided attention.

When times are tough, do you find yourself wishing you were somewhere else? Maybe you look wistfully back at what you used to have, or dream longingly of what you don’t have yet?

January feels this way to me, especially this year. I am still trying to process the losses of the past, but I also feel this external pressure to move “ahead.” (What does that even mean, anyway?) As a result of the two heads, I feel disconnected from the present moment. I feel stuck on a see-saw of lack, which leads to the gnawing sense that I’m not enough…That where I am now is not where I should be.

Pushing myself to “improve” myself this January felt like a deep betrayal. It felt like the very last clinger-on of an outdated way of being in the world.

Every day that I survive this pandemic, I am growing stronger. I don’t need to be harder on myself—I need to be softer. In my nightly ritual, I’ve started remembering sweet moments from my day, rather than listing off my accomplishments. In my walks, I go slow and admire the way frost glistens on the moss, rather than listening to podcasts.

This January really hammered in a lesson for me: I am exactly where I need to be. I don’t need to be where I was a year ago. I don’t need to be farther along. I need to be right here...fully.

As they say, you have to put your head where your feet are.

I invite you to notice throughout the day where your attention is. Is it in your body, tuned to your senses, enjoying the flow of life…or is it drifting into other timelines?

Mindfulness is the simple practice of bringing your awareness into the moment. Dear Janus—with his New Year’s resolutions & Auld Lang Syne— doesn’t put much stock into mindfulness. (I guess it’s hard to stay present when you’ve got eyes in the back of your head.)

So, yes. In January, we reflect and grieve. We dream and make plans. But you know what else?

We take a deep breath, and we live.

P.S. Wherever you are, be there totally.

P.P.S. Lost & Found is a self-guided retreat to help you process the losses and discoveries of this challenging time. It helps you reflect and dream through the lens of who you are now, in this exact moment.