Somewhere Between Peaceful and Purposeful

My gold star chart lasted one week.

I spent the month of January in a tug-of-war between setting goals and finding inner peace with where I am.

Today, I am emerging triumphant (and a little banged up), holding two truths: that I am enough, and that I also feel stuck.

I am a recovering overachiever, so January tends to activate my inner girl scout. Even though I’ve done the work of dismantling most of my “shoulds,” they came out of the woodwork last month. “I should get going,” “I should be doing more,” and “I should have more energy” were a few of them.

I started the year with a ton of momentum, following a burst of creative energy and joyful connection in December. I tried to declare that January was a fresh start and force my momentum to continue, even though I could feel my body slowing down and my heart feeling heavier. I was aching for fresh energy after such an isolating, tumultuous year. But the reality was less like “ahhh” and more like “blah.”

At the beginning of January I set small daily goals and bigger intentions for the year. I hung a gold star chart on my fridge and created incentives to do certain things each day. But after about ten days, I realized I was starting to feel mounting inner pressure and not-enoughness. I’ve been there and done that, and I was having none of it. So I ripped down the chart and replaced it with a giant sign that said “I AM ENOUGH.”

Because we are all living in such uncharted territory, trial-and-error has become the name of the game. Something that helps motivate me one week may make me feel anxious the next. I am trying to give myself permission to change my mind and routine as often as I need to.

When I took down that chart, it was so liberating to remember that I don’t have anything to prove. No one is tracking my progress or deducting points when I need rest (and I certainly don’t need to do that to myself). I reminded myself that growth comes really naturally to me, and I don’t need to force it. I can trust my own pace, and honor the importance of quieter periods of rest, integration, and dreaming. 

The inner critic will always pipe up to say I’m not doing enough, so I’ve gotten better at thanking her for trying to protect me and then sending her to the corner to have a tantrum. I try not to let her take over.

But here’s the thing. Even as I am cultivating a sweet acceptance and flexibility for this season of my life, I am simultaneously feeling quite stuck and lonely. Maybe you can relate?

The world is in such a suspended state. It’s so natural to find ourselves holding our breaths, waiting for the next curveball. And it’s so hard to make plans when the ground is constantly shifting. 

Setting goals right now feels like climbing a mountain made of quicksand.

And I miss people! I feed off of in-person connection and collaboration. As I adjust to being self-employed (and low on work), my days often lack structure and momentum. Inertia is very strong right now.

When I get into those tough spots where I feel both stuck and not-enough, I do things that I know will help. Some things that work for me: I take time-outs throughout the day to close my eyes, have conversations with friends and my therapist, move my body, get outside, change up my routine, journal about my fears, give myself forgiving pep-talks, and lower my expectations of what’s possible right now. Effective coping methods vary from person-to-person and are ever-evolving.

It’s so important to develop inner resiliency and an expanding box of self-soothing tools. And!!! We also have to remember that we can’t do this dance alone. We need to find communities and support systems that remind us that we are enough and help us move forward in a way that feels gentle and aligned.

I have been relying heavily on the support of others. Joining groups for co-working and emotional support has helped me gain momentum around my dreams. Our playdate sessions together in December were wonderful for this! I also send and receive gif-filled texts with friends and family to wildly celebrate any tiny self-care accomplishment or bit of progress. It helps.

Where are you on the spectrum between going for your dreams and finding peace with where you are? What’s working when you feel stuck? What do you do when you feel like you’re not enough? Let us know in the comments.

My wish is that by reading this post, you feel like you belong in a community where you are empowered to release your “shoulds” and find that comfy spot between peaceful and purposeful. Wherever you are, you aren’t alone.

By the way…

Explore our library to expand your self-soothing toolbox.

Tara Brach speaks to an overachiever about learning to be enough.

This comic's new year’s resolution is to stay alive (so real).

You are enough.

More of my January 2021 reflections. Also here.

Kayte Ferris on working less and surrendering into balance.