Unhooking From Misery & Leading With Joy
Art and photo by Quinn Corte, 2021.
This might be controversial.
What’s going on in the US and the world is very scary. It’s a clear indication of danger on several different fronts, and in my opinion, it’s going to get much worse. Feeling angry, sad, and scared makes total sense.
AND…
We need joy.
Joy is the answer to *all* of this.
Joy is not “keep your chin up” or “everything’s fine!” Authentic joy glows brighter the darker it gets outside. It knows how hard things are, so it provides hope, fuel, and a compass. Through the darkest times in history, people have leaned into joy through times of loss and fear. Think about stories of war—how people under the most dreadful circumstances take solace in their creative imaginations, form bonds with strangers, and have whirlwind romances. Through the lens of tragedy, our view of life is sharpened.
There’s a thin line between grief and joy. They need each other, and they work together. Just like a brush with serious illness becomes a new lease on life—or loss of a loved one becomes a celebration of life—grief and joy are two sides of the same coin.
Ross Gay, writer of delights, says, “What if joy is not only entangled with pain, or suffering, or sorrow, but is also what emerges from how we care for each other through those things? What if joy, instead of refuge or relief from heartbreak, is what effloresces from us as we help each other carry our heartbreaks?”
~
My husband and I are recovering from a brutal year. I haven’t talked about it much to maintain our privacy, but 2024 was highly traumatic for us. (Don’t worry, we’re okay.)
Going through such a hard time changed me in so many ways. But the most surprising shift is this: I know now, deep in my bones that I deserve to feel joy. Constant, unbridled joy.
Part of me always thought it was a service to worry about my loved ones and get really depressed in response to injustices. I subconsciously believed getting down in the muck and staying upset and anxious was the correct, dutiful, effective, empathetic response.
I understand now why that’s wrong.
First of all, I’m no use to anyone when I’m super anxious. In fact, I make things worse. When I’m stuck in fight-or-flight, my decisions are fear based, others feed off my nervousness, and my narrow focus means I can’t problem-solve or see new possibilities. Also, overwhelm often causes a freeze response. When I’m unregulated, I don’t do anything to help. I just shut down and worry.
Second, misery isn’t the same as care. I’ve heard so many cringey stories of people sharing their sad news with friends, only to have that friend break down in tears and make the entire conversation about their own reaction. Feelings are important, but I try to make sure my feelings are actually coming from my experience instead of mirroring, projecting, or absorbing someone else’s. I no longer prove my love to a person—or my devotion to a cause—by being miserable.
Third, it’s a disservice to take on other people’s suffering. As spiritual teacher Byron Katie says, “it’s not my turn.” It’s not my turn to be in crisis. Not my burden to solve. Not a sign of care to fall apart. This may seem cold-hearted, but it’s actually more loving. Life is about taking turns. When I’m down, you help me up. When you’re down, I don’t collapse next to you. I stay standing and help you up.
Lastly, getting swept up in every drama means I’m missing my life. There are infinite dramas one could get swept up in. Everyone I know is going through something hard. And in Trump’s current shock and awe campaign, we’re being constantly provoked. How can I stay aware of what’s going on *out there* and be fully present *in here*? I’m negotiating this daily, but I’m not letting the chaos drain my energy or hijack my nervous system. I have firm boundaries in place so I can be present in my life and my purpose.
I’m not replacing my anger and grief with joy. I’m expressing and feeling my anger and grief in a way that fuels me—and I’m letting joy dictate my choices.
Staying stressed and miserable is unhelpful. Leading with joy is a service to humanity.
~
During my hard year, my anchoring joy was weekly training with Martha Beck to become a life coach. If you don’t know Martha’s work, please remedy that (start here). Her program is called Wayfinder Life Coach Training, because we help people tune into their bodies and souls to find their unique way through life.
When Martha was young, she suffered for years with crippling illness. She eventually realized that certain choices were causing her more pain. For example, she started tracking that her pain flared-up and energy tanked when she attended faculty meetings at Harvard. But when she watched a nature documentary with her kids or got out her watercolors, she didn’t need as much pain medicine and had a little surge of energy afterwards.
So, she started making every decision based on her body’s signals. When her body responded to something with a heavy or trapped feeling, she did less of it. When her body felt like lightness and freedom, she did more of it. I’m condensing a whole life story here, but years later, Martha has negligible symptoms from any of her supposedly incurable and progressive diseases. (I’m not saying joy can cure illness, but I’m also not not saying that….)
Decades of coaching experience (she’s Oprah’s life coach, btw) and several sociology degrees later, Martha’s formula for living your purpose is: do more of what feels good and less of what doesn’t. She says, “The way you track your purpose is a sense of freedom and joy in the body.”
I call it following breadcrumbs of joy. All day, I’m trying things and fine-tuning. What makes my body feel most alive in this moment? If I try this or that, does it make me more energized or less energized? When I stop doing a certain thing, does it make my body feel more soft and open?
Here are my joy breadcrumbs this winter: helping a few wonderful coaching clients find freedom from pressure, cooking up a storm (especially soups), “coffee shopping” with my husband in our home library nook, bundled-up river walks, slow meandering days, two-hour writing sessions, reading mystery novels and nerdy non-fiction, constant music playing (a lot of 70s rock lately), dancing around the house, deep talks with friends and family, laughing and flirting with my husband during yoga class, sunny early morning rituals, cuddly cozy bedtime rituals.
I spend almost all of my energy on these things. I spend very, very little energy things that don’t support our joy and wellbeing. I work a lot less than I used to. More often than not, my body feels pretty good. I usually feel grounded in safety when I consider the news and what actions to take. I’m eager to get out of bed in the morning. And since I started this coaching thing a year ago, I’m starting to actually change lives (?!).
Joy is working.
Listen. I know it sounds idealistic. I know you have a million outraged doubts and righteous protests right now. (Trust me, I’ve heard them all inside my head.) “If I only followed my joy, nothing would get done! I’d never make any money! Everything would fall apart! What would people think!”
Respectfully, that's all nonsense. I could sit here and give you evidence and science to prove that joy leads to glowing health, increased energy, higher income, and meaningful contributions to the world. But instead, I’m going to appeal to your heart.
Do you want to “get by” or do you want to thrive?
Which do you value more—productivity or freedom? What percentage of your day do you spend in each of those states?
If you’re feeling how short and unpredictable life is, then how do you want to spend it?
If everything really is falling apart, do you want to clutch the rubble or help build something new?
Do you want to grind away to uphold a shitty status quo, or reject this oppressive bullshit and reclaim your energy?
If you believe it’s dangerous for leaders to be disregulated and reactive, how can you model a different type of leadership?
Do you get your best ideas for changing the world when you’re immersed in news or daydreaming with friends?
Are you more likely to win a fight if you’re wild-eyed and rage-filled or calm and alert?
Do you want to teach your children to be worried and busy all the time, or to prioritize their rest and delight?
When you imagine the most ideal life for yourself, is it complicated and busy or profoundly simple?
I’ve been through hard times, friends. I’ve tried leaning into misery. And I’ve tried leaning into bliss.
Trust me on this. Joy is a service to yourself, your loved ones, and humanity.
Give it a shot.